• jeremyburfoot1

Online Dating by Captain Terry 'Flash' Gordon

Allow me, if I may, to invite you on a journey back in time to the Garden of Eden to see what really happened there. I know it's a long way, but it will be worth it because we need an answer. What is purported to have occurred there just doesn't make sense. So let's take a deep dive in and analyse the story.

So we have Adam and Eve, who are no doubt fine physical specimens because they haven't had a life of fast foods and alcohol. And they are naked. Now Eve decides to get control over Adam's credit card, the rights to half his house, two cars and most of his stock portfolio, so she offers him a bite of an apple. All believable until now, right? But here, commonsense will tell you Adam says, "That's a fine-looking apple, my dear, but I'm rather more interested in that which you have hidden between your legs." At which point, Eve lets him have a rummage around down there. After he's finished, he suggests a bit of a hair trim, and the dating game, as well as the human race, are up and running.

Since this happened in the old testament, no one knows exactly the date, but it was a few millennia back and, according to the bible, a day after the creation of the universe. So the first real 'big bang' happened the next day in the garden of Eden.

From then until the invention of the internet, we all did it the old fashioned way. For the younger readers who were born on Tinder, a bit of an explanation follows.

Our early ancestors, the cavemen, used to go out, find a date, creep up on them from behind, then club them and drag them home. The benefit of this was that rejection rates were low. The downside was you didn't get to see the girl's face until after clubbing her. These days, this sort of behaviour is only allowed in uncivilised countries, some counties in Kentucky and in Glasgow.

Later, when bars and discos were invented, you had to get dressed up and go out. There, groups of the opposite sex would eye each other up warily from afar. The only way you could make contact was by braving rejection and having a go with your best opening line. This took a lot of courage, especially in Australia, where the girls are famous for rejecting guys for fun. (I believe there is an annual championship for this.) Of course, a few stiff drinks could make your fears go away, but then there was the problem of having too many. This would make you slur your speech or drool on their shoes as you leaned in to chat with them. Some guys did better than others because they were immune to rejection. There were others who went ugly early and who did ok in a dubious sort of way. But most 'run of the mill' guys failed and died a thousand deaths.

Some tried singles parties. I went to one once. After five minutes, I could see why everyone there was single, so I scrubbed that concept. Soon some entrepreneurial types set up dinner dates where groups of singles got together and went out somewhere. Same concept, same result with more cash burned. Then came speed dating. Quite what you can figure out from chatting to someone for two minutes is lost on me. So that was purely, "Yes, I would bonk you, or no, I wouldn't all things being equal."

My mother was the clever one during those years. She suggested going to church because all the 'nice' girls went there. At first, I thought that this was a really dumb idea as why would you want a girl who went to church? She would be unlikely to get her pants off until at least a year after you were married. But I see now the brilliance of this because the girls at church weren't there for the church. They were there because their mothers told them they could meet boys there. Fine young men such as me. So I did gain some benefits from the church concept.

As you can see, you young people, we were tough in those days, and it's a miracle that the human race didn't just die off from lack of procreation. But we got through on pure guts and courage because if we hadn't, you wouldn't be here now reading my waffle.

Anyway, just when we were ready to give up and let humanity end, along came the internet to save us all. Online dating started up. The concept was impressive in that being on there was like being in a massive bar with thousands of people, and if you liked the look of someone, all you had to do was 'swipe right'. Then if they liked you, they could do the same, and you'd have a match. If they didn't like you, instead of telling you to "fuck off mate" as an Aussie chick would, they'd just ignore you. What's not to like about this concept? Not only were there more options, but there was no rejection. Even losers could throw their hat in the ring.

Of course, any concept like this is bound to attract a seedy element, and it certainly did. For example, there was Ashley Maddison, where married people could line up a stray bonk because they were bored and justify it by saying that it helped keep their marriage alive. No doubt it did in some cases, but it ended up biting everybody on the arse when someone hacked all the details of the members. And here in New Zealand, there is a mob called 'Elite Singles' that sells itself on the basis that everyone on there is wealthy and better looking than on the other sites. But they aren't. They still range from poor young troglodytes to well off, overweight and old.

Having been on Tinder a few times, there is something a little bit addictive about the swiping. There's always an air of anticipation too, so it's kind of fun, even as an exercise to relieve boredom. But there are actually many downsides to it. So to illustrate what can go wrong, I'm just going to quickly relay some things that happened to me on tinder dates.

One girl who had put up photos of herself exercising a lot and who had a really gorgeous face was due to meet me for lunch. I got there early and sat down outside. It was windy, so the restaurant had put up see-through plastic windbreaks. I saw a girl coming through the plastic who looked like her, but this one's arse was as wide as a bus. Oh, I thought, optimistically. It must be due to the light refraction through the plastic. And I was right because, in reality, her arse was actually bigger than it looked through the plastic. That date didn't end well.

Another girl was chatting to me online and trying to tee up a date. She said, "How about next Saturday afternoon?"

I said," Oh, sorry, I'm working that day."

She said," Oh. Making excuses already."

I swiped left.

I turned up to another date, and the girl walked in and very quickly informed me that she had mistakenly swiped right and had no intention of dating me. She had nothing else on, so she had decided she'd come for a drink anyway. I ended up going home with her that night.

Honestly, I could go on and on and on with stories like this… I will.

Another one I met up with announced early at lunch that she didn't sleep with anyone until she had known them for more than a year. My gaping mouth and look of sheer disbelief must have given me away as she ended up eating up quickly and running, but not before I'd told her to call me in a year.

Another date I had jacked up was at a restaurant with big glass windows. At the time, I was sick of girls misrepresenting their reality, and when I was fifty meters away, I saw her through the window and scarpered up an alley. Mean? Yes, but so is a misrepresentation. Another date turned out to be the ex-wife of a good mate of mine, so that was a disaster too. I knew too much already, having played golf with him.

To finish, for now, a lady friend of mine organised a date with a Brad Pitt lookalike, and when he turned up, he was a skinny Indian guy straight off the plane from Delhi. That's extreme. They are currently expecting their second child.

In case this has sounded all a bit too bitter, it needs to be said that I've met a couple of great girls on Tinder so there is hope.

And now, having told you a few stories, it's time for a bit of advice. You might not like it, but there's some honesty coming your way here. Firstly, if you are overweight, lose it. Fat is not beautiful despite what all the feel-good types, people who make oversize clothing and feminists will tell you. For either sex, you reduce your chances of dating success by being overweight. It's a fact. Own it. No more donuts for you until you have caught your partner, then you can let it pile back on so fast that you can hear it. You can't catch a 7 if you are a 3. Lose weight and raise your number, and you'll probably live longer as well. You will save on batteries for your reversing horn, too, and your date won't have to turn up with a bag of flour.

So what are we aiming for here, girls? Well, as a guide, are there any sound effects when you get undressed, like' spladoof' or a 'sagging' noise? If there are, they need to be eliminated. The only sound effect that is ok is the one made when a bountiful set of breasts is set free from a bra. A bit of a 'sproiiiiinng', a few light bounce noises and a barely detectable swaying from side to side noise. Men know these noises well when they see them.

And men. Facial hair…short and trim is ok, but you twats with shaved heads and massive beards are not. Don't you realise that it looks like your hair has fallen to the bottom of your head? Do you not realise that this reduces your target dating audience to farmyard animals? Oh, and girls, any type of facial hair for you is not ok, at all.

Now that I've given some advice to fix the product I'll try to provide some hints on selling it. But, first, remember the three factors of sales.

1. How good is the product.

2. How well you sell it.

3. How often you try to sell it.

So your profile needs to be well planned. Get a friend of the opposite sex to help you with this and read up on the internet about what makes a good profile. Men screw this up so badly that I have lady friends who go on to Tinder in groups just to laugh at the profiles.

There are two parts to the profile. The photos, and what you say about yourself. The best bet is telling the truth and posting accurate photos, as anything else can only lead to disappointment. It's stunning how many people don't get this. For the pictures, they need to be recent and not blurry. Nothing says 'I'm ugly and/or old' more than blurry photos. Group photos are not the best either. Sometimes you see group photos and say, "I wonder which one is them. I hope it's the hot one." When you say this, about 103% of the time, it's not the hot one. Profiles that start with pets are a worry. Photos of you holding your kids are very unattractive to the opposite sex. Men. What is it with you wearing shorts and a singlet and holding a fish? No, alright. Just no.

To finish, here is a glossary of meanings for what is said in profiles so that you aren't left wondering.

Women No hookups Means No hookups, probably, maybe….unless you are hot

Men No hookups Means N/a. It's never been said

Women Photos recent Means Within the last 30 years

Men Photos recent Means Within the last 10 years

Women I've recently lost a lot of weight Means Naked I look like a punctured blow up doll

Men I've recently lost a lot of weight Means I just took a huge dump. You should have seen it

Women Long term relationship only Means Just that unless you are rich and ok looking

Men Long term relationship only Means 1 night extendable to 3 if you aren't completely mad

Women Family is everything Means You will be ranked behind them and the pets

Men Family is everything (bad) Means I hope you don't have kids or needy parents

Women I'm an animal lover Means The dog gets the prime spot on the bed at night

Men I'm an animal lover Means I'm a real animal in bed

Women Lets just see where it goes Means I know where it goes, but you aren't putting it there

Men Let's just see where it goes Means I know where it goes. Can I put it in there now?

Women I'm into water sports Means I like swimming and water skiing

Men I'm into water sports Means Golden shower? Hmmm. I'll try anything once.

Women You must be taller than me Means Just that. Unless you are well hung and wealthy

Men I'm quite tall, maybe 5ft 7 Means Maybe not. I'm 5 ft 3 in heels, but I carry a soapbox

Women I like an open relationship Means I talk a lot

Men I like an open relationship Means Would your sister be interested in a threesome?

Women I'm quite talkative Means I hold a world record for speaking utter shit.

Men I'm a good listener Means I'll give you a good sound listening to for sex

Women I love to cook Means But cooking is a 50:50 arrangement

Men I'm into cooking Means Eating it, that is, followed by sex

Women I might be a bit bisexual Means I'm not, but I know that appeals to you guys

Men Bisexual is ok Means I've been known to buy sex from time to time

So there you have it. I hope this has helped. Get in amongst it. I can’t do it for you. You only live once.

#Tinder #onlinedating #gardenofeden #adamandeve #bradpitt

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